Signs of a Liturgist in Your Parish

Signs of habitation by a Liturgist

Olympic swim team tryouts are held in your baptismal font

Your church is more bleak than a Turkish prison

The only icon in the church is the picture of the Dalai Lama on the priest’s stole

The priest’s stole is any color but white, Red, Purple, Green, Old Rose, Gold, or black (unless used together as a plaid).

The music is not elevating but fit for an elevator

They use every musical instrument created but the organ

The last time you heard the word sacrifice was at a baseball game People kneeling to receive Communion are zapped with a stun gun and taken outside

The word sister always precedes the word brother

Male pronouns have been banned by a liturgical interdict

The document “Environment and Art in Catholic Worship” is carried in and held up instead of the Bible

Vatican II is extensively quoted but no documents of this council can be found anywhere on church grounds

Confession is held for an hour on January 29th.

Extraordinary Eucharist Ministers are stationed at every row, if there is a concelebrating priest he is bound and gagged until after the EEMs are done

Liturgical dance, enough said

Liturgist vocabulary to watch out for includes: worship space, inclusive language, participation, worship environments, assembly, Easter people, presider. Words never used are dogma, doctrine, Ratzinger (unless with a sneer), GIRM, orthodoxy, man or mankind; if these words are used or reverence is given to the Holy Father than subject is not a Liturgist.

Liturgist disturbances can also be detected in the “The raising arm effect.” This can be seen if the arms of Jesus have broken away from the cross and are directed upwards. Depending on the intensity of Liturgeist activity sometimes the cross will appear to be entirely gone. The “raising arm effect” can also be detected prior to the Our Father where peoples arms mysteriously levitate and through some magnetic force their hands become attached to those next to them.

If any of these Liturgist disturbances are detected, run don’t walk to your Bishop. In normal circumstances the parish priest should be gone to first, but once this activity has been detected he has usually been
neutralized by the hypnotic effects of the Liturgist. Your Bishop will then appoint a priest who he has given the faculties for conducting the “Rite of Liturgical Exorcism.”

Rite of Liturgical Exorcism

The Liturgical Exorcist begins with the sign of the cross, and then a sprinkling of Holy Water on the Liturgist. It has been reported that Liturgists are deathly afraid of Holy Water. This has been noticed
because of their habit of putting everything in a Holy Water Font except Holy Water.

The Liturgical Exorcist then traces a cross on the Liturgists forehead using the The General Instruction of the Roman Missal (GIRM). A number of helpers are required to hold the Liturgist down since they will struggle with supernatural strength to resist the GIRM.

At this point the Liturgist will usually start supplicating to the spirit of Vatican II for help. If they start quoting anything, the Liturgical Exorcist asks for a reference to an actual Vatican II document. The Liturgist will normally show symptoms of shock at this point.

The Liturgical Exorcist will then begin reading from James Akin’s “Mass Confusion” while any of the faithful present chant “Orthodoxy.” Again, make sure enough people are present to hold the Liturgist down during this reading.

If the Liturgists starts to calm down during the reading of “Mass Confusion” and says an occasionally Amen, then the Liturgical Exorcism is successful. This can be verified by having the subject read from the GIRM or look at a picture of Cardinal Ratzinger with no ill effects.

A Liturgist with a university degree is especially hard to eradicate, much prayer and fasting will be required.