You Only Had One Job . . .

Real life gems reported on the Internet:

☺A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you fool!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

☺Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the line up to repeat the word, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

☺Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up . . .

☺In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket

Enlightenment from the Internet and Beyond!

Did you know that Jesus had an automobile? He drove them from the temple in a Fury!

Also, Noah was a nimble cash manager. He floated his assets while the world was in liquidation.

Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt? They must have, because Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Did you know that the apostles drove a Honda? In Acts it says they were all in one Accord.

Did you know that King David had a motorcycle? The sound of his Triumph was heard throughout the country.

And just to show you that mother’s have had their work cut out for them down through the ages:

Alexander the Great’s mother: “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t have everything you want in this world!”

Franz Schubert’s mother: “Take my advice, son. Never start anything you can’t finish.”

Achilles’ mother: “Stop imagining things. There’s nothing wrong with your heel.”

A story heard some time ago, goes something like this: A bishop was visiting a parish and during the offertory procession was seated beside the pastor in the sanctuary. As the leotard-clad dancing girls drew nearer, the bishop whispered to the pastor: “If they ask for your head on a plate, I will gladly give it to them.”

History Test Results – The World Is In Serious Trouble!

When you think your children have learned nothing, check out these real exam bloopers.

*Possession by spirits means feeling like the devil.
*A seminary is a place where they bury the dead.
*Yom Kippur was a general in the Japanese Army.
*The result of the Reformation was that people could choose to be either Catholics or Pugilists
*The less said about Nero, the better.
*Before a man could become a monk, he had to have his tonsils cut.
*Buddha is worshiped chiefly in Buddha Pest.
*The names of the three wise men are Winken, Blinken and Nod.
*False doctrine means giving people the wrong medicine.
*The Crusades was a movement to drive the turkeys out of Europe.
*A martyr is something like a bachelor.
*A millennium is like a centennial, only it has more legs.