A friend and I were gently teasing each other about our future, eternal rewards. My friend cinched the matter by saying, “Oh, I think we all should spend a little time in Purgatory . . .to say hello to friends before we head on up into Heaven!”.
A friend at daily Mass said her mother felt that afternoon soap operas depicted more than should be aired on television. In consideration of the characters feelings, she always turns the television off for the afternoon to give them privacy!
I knew further investigation was in order when I came upon three-year-old Marc muttering to himself, “I will never tell the truth again! It gets me in nothing but trouble!”
A guy goes into a bar in new york where all the bartenders are robots:
The guy sits down at the bar and the robot asks: “What will you have?
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks, “what’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168”
The robot talks about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
After the guy leaves, he pauses at the street corner and thinks about what he just encountered,and the more he thinks about it the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”
The guy answers, “Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
This time the man replies, “100.”
The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, and all-star wrestling.
The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in this “experiment” that he decides he’ll try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink.
The man replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
This time the man answers, “50.”
The robot leans in real close and slowly asks,
“So, are you people still unhappy that Hillary lost?”
Words of Wisdom from the Internet:
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Whatever one might say about President Trump, I think his grasp on math might be better than some former presidents.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me hat I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf – always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp