Honest Hymn Titles

Not really found in any hymnal that I know of but many seem to fit the attitudes of the congregation . . . or, perhaps, the absence of some of the congregation.

“Oh, How I Like Jesus”

“Onward Christian Reserves”

“Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following”

“Take My Life and Let Me Be”

Then, there are the songs which can be dedicated to our activities:

45mph……………….God Will Take Care of You

65mph……………….Nearer My God To Thee

85mph……………….This World Is Not My Home

95mph………………..Lord, I’m Coming Home

And, the hymns which can be dedicated to specific vocations in life:

Dentist’s Hymn…………………………Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman’s Hymn…………………..There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor’s Hymn……………………..The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn……………………….Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn………………………There’s a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn…………………..Standing on the Promises

Smiles From the Internet . . .

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?” One child answered, “Mary.”
The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?” A little kid said, “Verge.”
Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”
The kid said, “Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge ‘n Mary.”
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A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you.”
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us from E-mail.
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One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A Reason to Grin

Morning Mass must be a bit early for many. At the end of one Mass, Father Timothy said, “Our Lady, Queen of Vocations . . .” and the congregation replied, “Pray for us.” Father then said, “Immaculate Mary, page 109.” And the obviously sleepy congregation replied, “Pray for us.”!

And once when attending Mass, the celebrant looked at the congregation across the now-turned-around altar and said, “The Lord be with you.” One dear old lady looked at the other and explained helpfully, “That means ‘Dominus vobiscum’.”

The priest stopped Mass when the cell phone went off, waiting for the person to turn it off. It kept beeping, buzzing, and ringing. The priest asked again. The noise continued. Finally, the priest narrowed it down to one woman in the congregation and said, “Would you please turn off your cell phone now?”! The woman calmly  said, “My cell phone isn’t ringing . . . It’s my son’s Nintendo game.”!

Faith Equality Index

http://www.faithdrivenconsumer.com/faith_equality_index_company_reviews

Here is a great idea, an index that rates various stores and venues as to how they line up with Christian values. Since the secular liberal agenda rules the world, would they consider this intolerant because it doesn’t fall in line with their idea of tolerant?