From the Internet – Discerning Spoiled Food in Your Kitchen

THE GAG TEST – DISCERNING SPOILED FOOD

Anything that make you gag is spoiled, except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night.

Eggs
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Daily products
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled that it is already . . . unless it’s getting blue and furry, then you’d better back off.

Mayonnaise
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

Frozen foods
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

Meat
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

Potatoes
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

Empty containers
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.

General Rule of Thumb
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

History Test Results – The World Is In Serious Trouble!

When you think your children have learned nothing, check out these real exam bloopers.

*Possession by spirits means feeling like the devil.
*A seminary is a place where they bury the dead.
*Yom Kippur was a general in the Japanese Army.
*The result of the Reformation was that people could choose to be either Catholics or Pugilists
*The less said about Nero, the better.
*Before a man could become a monk, he had to have his tonsils cut.
*Buddha is worshiped chiefly in Buddha Pest.
*The names of the three wise men are Winken, Blinken and Nod.
*False doctrine means giving people the wrong medicine.
*The Crusades was a movement to drive the turkeys out of Europe.
*A martyr is something like a bachelor.
*A millennium is like a centennial, only it has more legs.

Observing the Liturgical Year!

There was an older couple that had fought almost constantly since the day they had been married over 25 years ago. Since they were Catholic, they both knew that divorce was out of the question. As Lent approached, the wife said to her husband, “Look, we both know that we can’t go on like this. Why don’t we pray this Lent that the Lord take one of us home. . .that way I can go and live with my sister.”