Hard to Comment . . . Without Grinning!

The doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces: “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the actual brain.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, “How much will it cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a liberal’s brain; $200 for a conservative’s brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Several leftist family members tried to suppress a smile, avoiding eye contact with their conservative cousins. A smug liberal uncle, unable to control his curiosity, finally asked the question on everyone’s mind: “Why do liberal brains cost so much more than a conservative’s?”

The doctor smiled at his childish innocence. “It’s just standard pricing procedure. Unlike a liberal’s brain, we price conservative brains much lower because they’re used.”

Texting Codes for Seniors

Hey, the aging population doesn’t want to get left out! Give us a big screen SmartPhone and a magnifying glass and we can be just as inventive in our texting.

Now seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD – At the Doctor

* BFF Best Friends Funeral

* BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM – Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center

* DWI – Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA – Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO – Â Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL – Living on Lipitor

* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT – Texting on Toilet

* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI

(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Catholic Pick Up Lines

• Hey, I’d love to say a prayer before a meal with you sometime? How about Saturday at 8:00?

• I think God just answered my discernment about my vocation to a married life.

• Is this seat taken or are you a Sedevacantist?

• Can I take you out for a small meal that when combined with another small meal doesn’t exceed your day’s large meal.

• So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and then I realized, I don’t have yours.

• What’s a nice girl like you doing in a confession line like this?

• Are you a traditionalist? Because your form is extraordinary.

• The bible says to give food and drink to the hungry and thirsty… How about dinner?

• Baby, your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead.

• What time do you have to be back in Heaven?

• I’m starting a Parish Directory, can I have your name and number?

• I guess the Never Fail Novena doesn’t ever fail, because here you are.

• Here’s a Rose. I think Saint Thérèse wanted you to have it.

• Your halo really brings out your eyes.

• Would you like to study Theology of the Body with me sometime?

• If Solomon met you he wouldn’t have needed 700 wives, one would have been enough.

• Are you a penitential season? Because I’d give up anything for you.

• You may need to go to confession because you just stole my heart.

• I’m doing my Marian consecration this year. Next year, I’d like to be Marian you.

• You know what the temple veil and I have in common? We’re both ripped.

Law-biding Citizens

The majority of us like being good citizens but I recently ran across some laws I was not familiar with but refuse to divulge which,if any, of the following were ever broken by me.

Arkansas forbids the Arkansas River from rising higher than to the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock.

In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.

In California, it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

Biting someone in Louisiana with your natural teeth is ‘simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is ‘aggravated assault.

In Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

Unless you have a doctor’s note, it’s illegal to buy ice cream after 6 p.m. in Newark, New Jersey.

Laws specific to California:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In California, it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

In Los Angeles County, it is illegal to throw a Frisbee without the permission of a lifeguard.

In Norco, you have to get $100 permit to keep a rhinoceros.

No vehicle may exceed 60 mph if there is no driver.

In San Francisco, it is illegal to store your things in your garage.