Texting Codes for Seniors

Hey, the aging population doesn’t want to get left out! Give us a big screen SmartPhone and a magnifying glass and we can be just as inventive in our texting.

Now seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD – At the Doctor

* BFF Best Friends Funeral

* BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM – Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center

* DWI – Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA – Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO – Â Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL – Living on Lipitor

* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT – Texting on Toilet

* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

Hope these help. GGLKI

(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Catholic Pick Up Lines

• Hey, I’d love to say a prayer before a meal with you sometime? How about Saturday at 8:00?

• I think God just answered my discernment about my vocation to a married life.

• Is this seat taken or are you a Sedevacantist?

• Can I take you out for a small meal that when combined with another small meal doesn’t exceed your day’s large meal.

• So last night I was reading in the book of Numbers, and then I realized, I don’t have yours.

• What’s a nice girl like you doing in a confession line like this?

• Are you a traditionalist? Because your form is extraordinary.

• The bible says to give food and drink to the hungry and thirsty… How about dinner?

• Baby, your hair is like a flock of goats leaping down the slopes of Gilead.

• What time do you have to be back in Heaven?

• I’m starting a Parish Directory, can I have your name and number?

• I guess the Never Fail Novena doesn’t ever fail, because here you are.

• Here’s a Rose. I think Saint Thérèse wanted you to have it.

• Your halo really brings out your eyes.

• Would you like to study Theology of the Body with me sometime?

• If Solomon met you he wouldn’t have needed 700 wives, one would have been enough.

• Are you a penitential season? Because I’d give up anything for you.

• You may need to go to confession because you just stole my heart.

• I’m doing my Marian consecration this year. Next year, I’d like to be Marian you.

• You know what the temple veil and I have in common? We’re both ripped.

Law-biding Citizens

The majority of us like being good citizens but I recently ran across some laws I was not familiar with but refuse to divulge which,if any, of the following were ever broken by me.

Arkansas forbids the Arkansas River from rising higher than to the Main Street Bridge in Little Rock.

In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.

In California, it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

Biting someone in Louisiana with your natural teeth is ‘simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is ‘aggravated assault.

In Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

Unless you have a doctor’s note, it’s illegal to buy ice cream after 6 p.m. in Newark, New Jersey.

Laws specific to California:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In California, it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

In Los Angeles County, it is illegal to throw a Frisbee without the permission of a lifeguard.

In Norco, you have to get $100 permit to keep a rhinoceros.

No vehicle may exceed 60 mph if there is no driver.

In San Francisco, it is illegal to store your things in your garage.

Election Year Humor . . .

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie’s lamp. He picked it up – rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The genie said, I can only grant you one wish. So…What’ll it be?”

He said, “I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.” The genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, “These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not that good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

Bill thought for a minute and said, “You know, people really don’t like my wife, Hillary. They think she’s mean, ugly, and that she lies all the time. I wish for her to be the most honest and most beautiful woman in the world, and I want everyone to like her.

The genie let out a long sigh and said, “OK… Lemme see that map again.”

Conundrum – Perfect Explanation!

1. The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.
Free people are not equal. Equal people are not free. (Think this one over and over…makes sense!)

“A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need one again.”
Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.
2. Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims
3. They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

Funny how that works. And here’s another one worth considering…

2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money ! What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t.

Think about it…..and Last but not least :

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.

Am I the only one missing something?

“If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools.” – Plato