Reality Memories From Bygone Homeschooling Days!

When a new school year begins, we all anticipate great things being accomplished with our intellectually willing children. There are many things we would like to hear as we begin our studies but reality sets in all too soon.

1. Time for school! I thought we would take it easy today but several of you little darlings sent me private notes, begging to begin with math instead of art!

This is the third time I have called you to the school table! And you used up your art time yesterday when you crayoned your new math books.

2. Are you sure you wouldn’t like some fresh cookies and milk? It has been two hours since breakfast and you must be hungry. I promise we will still work on Geography afterwards.

No, you can’t have something to eat. You should have thought about hunger when you refused to eat breakfast this morning. Yes, you have to finish Geography and no ad-libbing on the maps today. No undiscovered countries that only you know about!

3. I can’t believe how neatly you set up your insect collections for science. And to think I only assigned this term project yesterday and here you are done already!

Smashed bugs don’t count for your bug collection even if you remember what it was before you squashed it. I don’t care if you weren’t the one who mashed the bug. You shouldn’t have put it in your sister’s bed to begin with!

4. How wonderfully you combined your poster paints to make a copy of one of the great Masterpieces! And you didn’t get a drop of paint on the floor, table or mommy’s art book.

Look, it is a numbered dot-to-dot coloring page. What do you mean you don’t understand the instructions?

5. Sweet child of mine! No wonder you asked for an extra two hours of school yesterday. You were busy composing this wonderful story for English class. Double-spaced and typewritten, no less.

A three-page composition doesn’t count if written in crayon! It was supposed to be on what we did on our summer vacation. And I did not spend it torturing you! But don’t give up on the idea – there is always next year!

by Barbara Barthelette

A Home Schooling Math Memory!

A real life school lesson . . .
Mom: Marc, Jane has 5 maps and . . .
Marc: What are maps?
Mom: Maps show the world. So, Jane has 5 maps and Hope has three maps . . .
Marc: What’s Hope?
Mom: A girl’s name.
Marc: Can Hope be a girl’s name?
Mom: Yes! Okay, Jane has 5 maps and Hope has 3 maps. How may maps . . .
Marc: What’s on the maps?
Mom: Countries of the world.
Marc: What countries?
Mom: They don’t say.
Marc: So, what do you think?
Mom: I think we had better figure out the problem!
Marc: The problem about what countries are on the map?
Mom: No, how many maps do both girls have together!
Marc: Jane is a girl’s name, too?
Mom: Yes! How many maps do Jane and Hope have all together?
Marc: Did you tell me how many each had?
Mom: Tell you what, let’s do phonics instead! Today we are learning the “J” sound. Okay, color all the pictures that begin with the sound of “J” like “Jane”.
Marc: Jane? How many maps does this Jane have?

It’s Time to Clean the Refrigerator When . . .

It’s Time to Clean the Refrigerator When . . .
by Barbara M. Barthelette

1.  The light bulb refuses to turn on when the door is opened.
2.  You find a quarantine notice posted on the door, signed by the city.
3. You hear knocking and it is coming from within the closed refrigerator.
4.  Items of mysteriously wrapped leftovers seem to rearrange themselves.
5. Even when the door is closed, there is a strange, green glowing light around
its edges.
6. The dog whines and hides every time you open the refrigerator door.
7.  You panic when one of your children is left alone in the kitchen.
8.  Your aluminum foil is gone and it looks like the tin man was disassembled in
your refrigerator.
9.  You wonder if there is a special blessing for refrigerators.
10. You seriously consider buying a new refrigerator and just having this one
towed away, as is.

Barbara’s Mommy Chronicles – The Abbreviated Version

I awake in the a.m. and retire in the p.m. I live in the year some thing or other AD. As far as I am concerned those are about all the initials I need in my life. Life, however, doesn’t agree on this point. Each day finds me deciphering mysterious sets of letters that represent actual people, places and things.

I am trying not to be paranoid but I feel like I am constantly on a game show of some sort. The representative initials can hit without warning. It is up to me to successfully translate their meaning before I can continue with my life. Initials, lone letters of the alphabet loom on the horizon of my sanity. Try as I might to avoid them, they invade when least expected and I have to immediately struggle with a translation in order to keep up.

I arrive at morning Mass in the a.m. and soon hear that the RCIA will meet that evening. CCD will take place on Monday afternoon. It is suggested that all attending these meetings get there ASAP. They probably divulge the newest sets of initials early on in the program so one doesn’t want to be late.

As Mass progresses, if I find anything out of the ordinary, I am told to refer to the last meeting of the NCCB.

I return home, slowing at RR crossings. I discover the sprinkler system is on the blink and will require PVC piping PDQ or we will have a flood. On the way to the garden shop, the radio DJ tells me it will be warm and sunny. Pretty long words to be used by someone with a two-letter name.

At the store, I experience a delay as the IBM system seems to be down and they are having trouble getting through with the AT&T. The clerk gives me a bright smile and apologizes for the SNAFU!

My busy day requires visits to both an MD and a DDS. Good thing I am not a PhD or I might spend more time than necessary trying to figure out why.
When I get home, I get my mail and find letters from AARP and advertisements from BMW. There is also an invitation to a BYOB party. I feel the strain of the day setting in and decide that I won’t care about finding out what a BYOB party entails. The sender provided a SASE so I could RSVP promptly.

An evening in front of the television sounds brain-numbing enough for an over-abbreviated person. I tune in just a they show pictures of UFO’s on the news. And the same story appears on ABC, CBS and NBC. A semi-interesting documentary on the life span of a bat suddenly informed it’s viewers that it was being shown on PBS.

A video selection begins with a soldier who is AWOL. The newspaper has the ACLU defending someone again. I make a deliberate effort to calm myself and think in well-spelled out, whole words because I know if I really start emoting at this point, I will pass out . . . and someone will probably start CPR.