You Only Had One Job . . .

Real life gems reported on the Internet:

☺A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you fool!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

☺Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the line up to repeat the word, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

☺Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up . . .

☺In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket

A Parable For Our Wayward World

One day, a man went to visit a church. He arrived early, parked his car, and got out. Another car pulled up near him and the driver told him, “I always park there. You took my place!” The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat, and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, “That’s my seat! You took my place!” The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing. After Sunday School, the visitor went into the church sanctuary and sat down. Another member of the congregation walked up to him and said, “That’s where I always sit. You took my place!” The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment but still said nothing. Later, as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, “What happened to you?” The visitor replied, “I took your place.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear When Cleaning the House

We hardly got finished with Spring Cleaning (and don’t look at me like that! I did some dusting this year!),  and it is time to start some preliminary sorting and discarding as Fall gradually comes around the corner.

Things You Don’t Want to
Hear When Cleaning
1. I moved the sofa. Just asking, did we find all the eggs last Easter?
2. Why are there 25 children’s vitamins under the refrigerator?
3. Do we have any really big ant traps?
4. How can you tell how long a mouse has been dead?
5. There is green stuff oozing out of the refrigerator door.
6. The local museum wants to do an archeological report on the dust findings under our bed.
7. Do we have more than one cat?
8. Is he supposed to be spray painting the dead grass out front green?
9. I cleaned out the fish tank. Have you seen the fish?
10. Will blue food coloring come off dog fur? And did you see the dog go by?